Tuesday, January 6, 2009
backagain2009
so i've decided to write again. there is a lot going on in my life that i need to get off my chest, i guess just another way of venting. right now i'm still into michael though i'm not sure where it is headed. we are both in college and i am more looking for commitment where he is not. And even when he says he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship, he wants the freedom to look in every inch of my communication devices and such. i feel as though i am a prisoner, as he always finds himself searching through my things, more particularly, my phone. why should i give this guy all the amenities of being my boyfriend without actually committing? i have really reached out to God in search of what to do but i have yet figure out what it is. scratch that, i do know what to do but i feel like i have insecurity problems and can't stand the thought of being alone. i crave attention and he does that. i love it when he calls me six times a day, leaves me voicemails and texts me constantly. i love the attention. and if he goes anywhere i won't get that attention. its just something in me. i will be returning to north carolina agricultural and technical state university tomorrow for my second semester of freshman year. this semester is yet to be my most stressful. i will miss home dearly but i am eager to get my freshman year over with. i will be newly inducted into the honors program at a&t and i am very excited. so, as life continues to be stressful, i continue to strive and be successful. thats all for now.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
give&take
there is only so much a person can give.
if you're taking so much that nothing is being given to them.. you starve them.
and whether or not you decide to give to them or not,
they have to get something.
if not from you, then from themselves.
if you're taking so much that nothing is being given to them.. you starve them.
and whether or not you decide to give to them or not,
they have to get something.
if not from you, then from themselves.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
peace&muchlove
dear kierra,
life is so hard.
everyone goes through there low and high times. but the key through the low times are to be yourself and remember who you as a person is. though one may feel very saddened you just have to remind yourself that this is the time to explore! do what you do best and try and find yourself through all the chaos. happiness is on the way, you just have to be patient and wait for it. in my mind, there is no such thing as loosing a friend. if your friend is lost, the honest truth is they were never a friend. and if that friend is not your friend because of something you did, chances are, your relationship would have never sustained. there is no comprehension in not being there for someone you call a friend. you may not be there for an 'associate' but you should be there for a friend. especially when something you did, something as silly as a five minute phone call to an ex-boyfriend triggers them. you yourself have to know when enough is enough. and when there is trust there is nothing, therefore that friend that called themself a friend, was never truely a friend!
Martin Luther King Jr. stated...
"Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into friend."
So were we friends? i guess i'll never know. however, i do know who's been with me through thick and thin, through arguments and fights. and that has been my best friend kaitlyn. to you, i owe much thanks!
and i end this brief thought with the famous words of Ralph Waldo Emerson
"The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship."
peace&muchlove
life is so hard.
everyone goes through there low and high times. but the key through the low times are to be yourself and remember who you as a person is. though one may feel very saddened you just have to remind yourself that this is the time to explore! do what you do best and try and find yourself through all the chaos. happiness is on the way, you just have to be patient and wait for it. in my mind, there is no such thing as loosing a friend. if your friend is lost, the honest truth is they were never a friend. and if that friend is not your friend because of something you did, chances are, your relationship would have never sustained. there is no comprehension in not being there for someone you call a friend. you may not be there for an 'associate' but you should be there for a friend. especially when something you did, something as silly as a five minute phone call to an ex-boyfriend triggers them. you yourself have to know when enough is enough. and when there is trust there is nothing, therefore that friend that called themself a friend, was never truely a friend!
Martin Luther King Jr. stated...
"Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into friend."
So were we friends? i guess i'll never know. however, i do know who's been with me through thick and thin, through arguments and fights. and that has been my best friend kaitlyn. to you, i owe much thanks!
and i end this brief thought with the famous words of Ralph Waldo Emerson
"The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship."
peace&muchlove
Monday, March 31, 2008
changing&learning
my psychology teacher noted in my class today
"if something is not changed, there is not a lesson learned. learning does not occur unless change occurs."
i could not agree with her more. but am i subject to this quote? am i a good or bad example of what this statement stands for? being honest and true to myself.. i cannot say that i am. though some events have surfaced over the last few days i have contained my feelings and moved on, i felt as though i had no other choice. a choice... a choice is defined "as to be preferred". we are faced with choices everyday, choices that result, ultimately in a consequence. when we were younger the word consequence has such a negative stereotype attached to it. a consequence was a bad thing we had to indure. when in actuality a consequence can be either good or bad. we choose to be destracted in the car and through that a consequence is suffered, a car accident. in which was a choice i made at the time, that i made so many times before that resulted in consequences where i nearly escaped other potiental accidents. i and the driver were physically okay but i was mentally sad. almost two years of perfect driving. i guess it goes to show that even the most careful people mess up sometimes.
i also CHOSE to make another desicion that i truely regret. i have to admit that i have trouble admitting i was wrong and i have very stubborn traits in myself. for some reason i dont reason and really think about a situation until i sit down and turn it around, it sounds so cliche but put yourself in the other persons shoes. if that was you what would you do? would you tolerate it? put up with it? deal with it? if the answer is yes, determine if its the way you really feel. the person you upset isn't angry for no reason. trust me, they don't like being mad, and not talking to you. but they do it because they love you and want you to understand that what you did wasnt right. but you can only give so many apologies, gifts, hugs and kisses. "if there is no change occured, you learned nothing." so did i learn something? or am i just testing my limits? my mom always told me, "don't play with fire or your going to get burned." well yesterday i got burned. your faced with decisions everyday. do you want to go with the option that only fulfills 80% of your wants and needs? or 20% and the percentage you may want in a person? in the end even a kindergardener knows to pick the pile with the most things in it. "go towards your instinct" may be a wise saying sometimes but not all the time, because sometimes instinct will get you to loose the one or ones you love dearly. i would suggest to think about the things you do and say, it may sound akward because you do it so often but ask yourself. is this what i want or need? is it really worth it? think it over, i'm sure you will come to the right conclusion.
as for my situation, all i can do is wait. i ran out of apologies, kisses, and hugs. so here i am waiting, because though i don't want to admit it and crave control.. the choice is not in my hands.
and though the consequences of my actions with my car show its scars physically on the vehicle and emotionally on me, doesn't mean i can not move on. though there is a very LARGE endentation on my car, my parents not once asked me what happened but rather if i was okay. because at the end of the day material things such as cars can be replaced. but another exact replication of me siezes to exist.
"plan for the worst and hope for the best."
and this would be the perfect time, as all times to pray.
"if something is not changed, there is not a lesson learned. learning does not occur unless change occurs."
i could not agree with her more. but am i subject to this quote? am i a good or bad example of what this statement stands for? being honest and true to myself.. i cannot say that i am. though some events have surfaced over the last few days i have contained my feelings and moved on, i felt as though i had no other choice. a choice... a choice is defined "as to be preferred". we are faced with choices everyday, choices that result, ultimately in a consequence. when we were younger the word consequence has such a negative stereotype attached to it. a consequence was a bad thing we had to indure. when in actuality a consequence can be either good or bad. we choose to be destracted in the car and through that a consequence is suffered, a car accident. in which was a choice i made at the time, that i made so many times before that resulted in consequences where i nearly escaped other potiental accidents. i and the driver were physically okay but i was mentally sad. almost two years of perfect driving. i guess it goes to show that even the most careful people mess up sometimes.
i also CHOSE to make another desicion that i truely regret. i have to admit that i have trouble admitting i was wrong and i have very stubborn traits in myself. for some reason i dont reason and really think about a situation until i sit down and turn it around, it sounds so cliche but put yourself in the other persons shoes. if that was you what would you do? would you tolerate it? put up with it? deal with it? if the answer is yes, determine if its the way you really feel. the person you upset isn't angry for no reason. trust me, they don't like being mad, and not talking to you. but they do it because they love you and want you to understand that what you did wasnt right. but you can only give so many apologies, gifts, hugs and kisses. "if there is no change occured, you learned nothing." so did i learn something? or am i just testing my limits? my mom always told me, "don't play with fire or your going to get burned." well yesterday i got burned. your faced with decisions everyday. do you want to go with the option that only fulfills 80% of your wants and needs? or 20% and the percentage you may want in a person? in the end even a kindergardener knows to pick the pile with the most things in it. "go towards your instinct" may be a wise saying sometimes but not all the time, because sometimes instinct will get you to loose the one or ones you love dearly. i would suggest to think about the things you do and say, it may sound akward because you do it so often but ask yourself. is this what i want or need? is it really worth it? think it over, i'm sure you will come to the right conclusion.
as for my situation, all i can do is wait. i ran out of apologies, kisses, and hugs. so here i am waiting, because though i don't want to admit it and crave control.. the choice is not in my hands.
and though the consequences of my actions with my car show its scars physically on the vehicle and emotionally on me, doesn't mean i can not move on. though there is a very LARGE endentation on my car, my parents not once asked me what happened but rather if i was okay. because at the end of the day material things such as cars can be replaced. but another exact replication of me siezes to exist.
"plan for the worst and hope for the best."
and this would be the perfect time, as all times to pray.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
consequensesofchange.
what is dependance?
websters dictionary definition: lack of independence or self-sufficency
do you know how it feels to get your hopes up for a special event coming up or someone coming to visit you, and things don't go the way you'd hope? I've learned to not depend on anyone for anything for a long time. so long that sometimes i forget that i dont depend on anything or anyone. sometimes people promise or tell you something to make you happy or cheer you up when there is no use if nothing is to happen. if i get happy over something, it is going to be of my own accordance.
i'm just growing in immaculate ways. some days i hate change, i just want to stab it so it won't haunt over my back like a nagging fly. sometimes i realize that -- change is good and the anticipation of its follow-through will deliver me in some way. this may be true or it may not be, right now, i feel as though it is. i can't wait to escape the claws of high school with its childish ways and people. i go back to school on monday and already i feel as though im going to be a different person. though i know it is not the most sociable path, im going to keep close only my closest friends. my associates may feel as though i am pushing them away, which this may be true. i will arrive at 7:40 and leave at 2:51 spending the least time possible there. in every ending, change occurs, whether it is changing books, movies, or schools. im just trying to get out and start my new life, with a brand new me. and though some may be left behind, this is inevitable, change demands it. the human body will do just as it was created to do..
adjust.
websters dictionary definition: lack of independence or self-sufficency
do you know how it feels to get your hopes up for a special event coming up or someone coming to visit you, and things don't go the way you'd hope? I've learned to not depend on anyone for anything for a long time. so long that sometimes i forget that i dont depend on anything or anyone. sometimes people promise or tell you something to make you happy or cheer you up when there is no use if nothing is to happen. if i get happy over something, it is going to be of my own accordance.
i'm just growing in immaculate ways. some days i hate change, i just want to stab it so it won't haunt over my back like a nagging fly. sometimes i realize that -- change is good and the anticipation of its follow-through will deliver me in some way. this may be true or it may not be, right now, i feel as though it is. i can't wait to escape the claws of high school with its childish ways and people. i go back to school on monday and already i feel as though im going to be a different person. though i know it is not the most sociable path, im going to keep close only my closest friends. my associates may feel as though i am pushing them away, which this may be true. i will arrive at 7:40 and leave at 2:51 spending the least time possible there. in every ending, change occurs, whether it is changing books, movies, or schools. im just trying to get out and start my new life, with a brand new me. and though some may be left behind, this is inevitable, change demands it. the human body will do just as it was created to do..
adjust.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
start&finish.
how is one to define who they are?
there is over three billion people in this world. how is ONE person to make themselves unique to distinguish themselves from the 2,999,999,999? and when? me, myself is still trying to find myself. somehow when your born no one tells you that you are entering a messed up world where not everyone likes each other, and fantasty is distinctly different from reality.
noone tells you that when you go to college, you will have challenging decisions to make. no one tells you. no one. however you would think, like disney tells you, that there would be a happy ending. that the princess and the prince always end up together. not in different parts of the state.
i truely believe that life doesn't start until you begin it. until you reach the the formal stage of piagets cognitive development where one begins to question why things happen. so why sit here reading when you can experience life itself? meet a new friend, restore a broken friendship, do something proactive to get you ahead, forgive someone, follow through with a promise, surprise someone, make someone else happy besides yourself.
let life begin.
:)
there is over three billion people in this world. how is ONE person to make themselves unique to distinguish themselves from the 2,999,999,999? and when? me, myself is still trying to find myself. somehow when your born no one tells you that you are entering a messed up world where not everyone likes each other, and fantasty is distinctly different from reality.
noone tells you that when you go to college, you will have challenging decisions to make. no one tells you. no one. however you would think, like disney tells you, that there would be a happy ending. that the princess and the prince always end up together. not in different parts of the state.
i truely believe that life doesn't start until you begin it. until you reach the the formal stage of piagets cognitive development where one begins to question why things happen. so why sit here reading when you can experience life itself? meet a new friend, restore a broken friendship, do something proactive to get you ahead, forgive someone, follow through with a promise, surprise someone, make someone else happy besides yourself.
let life begin.
:)
Saturday, March 15, 2008
05.31.08
Graduation
May 31, 2008 at 10:00am at the Dorton Arena.
where do i go from here? my friends, people i've known since elementary school vanish within an hour of this day. what now? i don't know. but, as life demands from everyone that crosses its stage.. i am destined to find out. though the thought of meeting new people in a new city, with a new enviornment, and new things to do scares me. i must cross this river.
i feel as though i am in the process of running in attempt to try and cross this river that so many people before me had to cross. nevertheless.. the body is made to adapt to situations and places out of its comfort zone.
soon enough all of my friends will be scattered around the country and perhaps even the world with the military and study abroad programs. so what is truely home? is it the place we pay mortages? or the place we feel most comfortable? if so, my home will change in about four and a half months. for better or for worse.
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